Some tiny creature, mad with wrath,

Is coming nearer on the path.

--Edward Gorey

Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, U.S. Outlying Islands

Writer, lawyer, cyclist, rock climber, wanderer of dark residential streets, friend.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

I've Got Dibs on NUTFUCKER -- The 1,121 Naughty Words

Check out this list of words and phrases you absolutely can NOT have put on your custom NFL Jersey, which somebody managed to steal from an NFL computer file. Fortunately, "GAY" was removed from the list (although GAY MUTHA FUCKIN QUEER is still banned), which should make it a whole lot easier for men seeking their NFL-jersey wearing soulmates at a zero-degree Green Bay Packers game to find the objects of their desires. BUTTFUCKER, alas, is not allowed (see also FEMME, FUDGEPACKER [sic]). Nor is CARPETMUNCHER, so at least they're being fair and balanced.

More perplexing choices include:
CONDOM (in keeping with the Bush administration's dont-ask-don't-tell policy on contraception)
CROTCHROT (because, you know, that's something everybody's going to want; see also DUMBFUCK)
EVL (so if, for example, your name is Eduardo Valentino Lopez you're shit out of luck)
FLOGGIN THE DOLPHIN (now I'd like to see that even fit on a non-NFL-sized jersey)
4 20 (all conceivable variations; if you have to ask . . . )
GLAZEDDONUT (am I really just so unhip that I don't know my euphemisms?)
HAREM (professional athletes are allowed to have these; mere mortals aren't even allowed to put it on a shirt)
HOLE (sorry Courtney; at least JUNKIE appears to be available)
JESUS (sorry to all the Jesus's out there, and of course this guy)
KUM QUAT (the less said, the better)
MASTABATE (didn't know this word was cool enough to warrant hip-hop spelling)
MOLESTOR (another one I'm sure folks were lining up for; so you can't put it on a jersey, but apparently the government can all but tattoo it to your forehead after you've paid your putative debt to society)
OU812 (why they gotta hata on Van Halen?)
OUI (there's that Francophobia rearing its head again, notwithstanding NFL Europe (does that still exist?) and the discriminatory fact that YES apparently is okay)
PHQUE (seriously? I mean, yeah, sure . . . but seriously?)
PURINA PRINCESS (again, have I been sleeping under a rock? do I want a PURINA PRINCESS? is this a good thing?)
RED LIGHT (REDRUM, however, is okay)
RENTAFUCK (apparently, youc can't advertise with the NFL sweetcheeks -- speaking of which, SWEETNESS is banned (again with the homophobia?) but SWEETCHEEKS is just fine)

and then this sequence


which illustrates that the NFL anticipates broad illiteracy among its fans, and is hedging its bets

TIT BIT NIPPLY (of course, you know you were wondering)

and I leave you with

UNFUCKABLE, another one people really want a lot.

The whole list is a laugh a minute. Hat tip, Wonkette.


Anonymous binky said...

In college one of my (male) roomates used to think of the foulest nicknames possible, and bestow them on his friends. One that stuck, and stuck to him, was "Fuckstain." How could the NFL deny a man his nickname!?

11:30 AM  

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